introspection

I. Vignettes

a)
CN is always moving. People flow in and out of every space, so that there is no one spot that is empty for long. On the bus, unlike in America, people know to move all the way to the back and take advantage of every nook and cranny between bodies. A couple days ago, I watched a boy work his way to exit through a packed bus (bodies packed like a deck of cards). He made himself skinnier somehow, walking sideways and turning his head to the side, his back and cheek rubbing against a wall of bodies.

b)
The lady I’m staying with is always on the move, too. She eats over the sink, never waits for the stoplight, always walks with a destination. She’s in her 50s and sometimes she only wears a shirt and underpants in the apartment. She’s not eccentric – it’s culture. Americans are sex-crazed, but we are prim, too. In CN, girls can undress in the same room. A body is simply a body here.

c)
My boss is young and sharp. He could talk about any subject – movies, wine, GREs, wars, the government. He on top of what’s happening in the world. He’s jaded, too. He used to be a member of the Party, but dropped out ten years ago. “I can’t take the shit they talk about in those mandatory meetings.” But he is laid-back and accommodating, too. He watched “The Departed” on his computer, and asks me if I have seen it before. He treats the interns out to lunch.

d)
During the Spring Festival, there are small shops on the streets with stacks and stacks of red boxes and multicolored designs on them. Inside these boxes are fireworks. Lighting fireworks is a pastime for teenagers, adults, and even families. But children shouldn’t light the big ones that shoot up over 10 stories high. The ones that shoot out of the tubes are more fitting for them. You hold the tube in your hand and a light whizzes out, like a shooting star, making a whistling sound. I can hear the fireworks go off sporadically in the night. Sometimes they are followed by car alarms. They are set off in building courtyards, on the sidewalk, in the street - anywhere that has a clear space, so you have to be careful where you walk. When H and I were walking to the shopping center, she got hit by a pebble from one of the explosions 20 yards away.


II. Thoughts

Today, I feel like a ghost. I only want to flow through the crowds and slip quietly into the crevices that open up between people. I wake up homesick – it’s the first time I dream of people at home. I dream that I had gone back home and my brother had been seriously sick, and when he told me about it he cried because it had been so hard. And then I searched the house, but I couldn’t find Skye.

After work, I don’t want to go home for dinner because I don’t want Aiyi to feel obligated to cook for me. I try to find a food court, not a restaurant, because I want minimal social interaction. Because social interaction means talking, and ghosts don’t talk.

The enemy attacks when you’re most weak. I’m scared of so many things. I’m scared of getting lost. Of getting run over by a car. Of not being knowledgeable and sharp like my co-workers. I’m scared of buying running shoes myself, even though I’m dying to go running. I’m scared of Aiyi and causing her so much trouble. I’m scared that maybe I am weak for being homesick so soon. I’m scared of buying vegetables. I’m scared of opening my mouth.

But G never wastes any hurt. I offer this homesickness and fear to him as well! Through this, I’ll learn to depend on him all the more. And he will give me life as I overcome. He will give me humility when I am forced to ask for help. He will give me his strength when I am weak. He will give me compassion for people far away from home. He will give me faith against fear.

The enemy says, “What have you to offer to CN? You’re so small and timid. What can you possibly offer to G if you’re afraid to buy vegetables by yourself? Did G really call you or did you come because you wanted adventure or because it was easy?”

And I don’t know if I have a heart for CN at all. I don’t feel like Hudson Taylor, who would die to see CN’s people receive G. And neither do I have A’s single-mindedness in witnessing to his co-workers.

But they tell me a heart for CN begins with a heart for G.

And what does it mean to be “called” anyway? We’re all called if we’re part of the family, no matter where we are. It’s no different following G here than following G in the States. Love Him with all your heart and all your mind and all your strength. And love your neighbor as yourself (whether your neighbor is a 50 year old lady from BJ, or your 18 year old dorm-mate from San Jose.)

What do any of us have to offer anyway? We don’t have anything, only what G gives us. I’m scared but I’m willing. My hands are empty, but they’re open. I have no eloquent words, only the knowledge of how the Cross changed my life and how it can change yours, too.

back in BJ

Hi friends,

I actually posted a huge long update with pictures yesterday night, but then I pressed the wrong button, and my 45 minutes of work was lost! Alas! =(((

I only sometimes get this wireless signal so when I do have it, I want to take advantage of it ... but I think I need some quiet time with Dad, so I will simply say for now it's been a whirlwind - HK for 5 days, and then Hannah coming to BJ on Friday, and Blake and Andy coming yesterday and leaving today. We went to the Great Wall, Forbidden City, World Park, and Temple of Heaven (Gu Gong). Tomorrow I am starting my first "real" day of work.

I miss you guys a lot (and that is an understatement!). I have all these emails from you guys coming back from HK and I will reply to emails when I can! But thank you so much for your love! Please keep sending me updates, although it seems like I'm replying slowly. Here are a couple pics to hold out for now, until I have time for a more introspective post =)

Take care, friends!

Over and out.

hello again

Hello from the internet bar again.

I'm at another one, which is near my house. I tried to pretend I was a local by walking to cashier nonchalantly and saying "How much?" in Mandarin.

She just stared at me all confused and said, "What?"

Haha. I guess I need to practice more. This is a poem I recently wrote about language.

"Speaking Putonghua"

One who knows the language
shoots to the point
straight and clean

For me
I'll do anything to get there
haphazard
spit out words
in any order
try a phrase in all four tones
slap out delicate r's and twists
with my American tongue
heavy as a slab of salmon

I apologize the ancient Chinese poets
I make turn in the grave
with Putonghua/English/Cantonese
mutant sentences.



Also, I realized I got jipped at the other internet bar I went to! So they charged me 6 kuai/hour but this one charges 2 kuai. You actually first give them 3 kuai, and then they give you back 1 kuai after you return to the cashier when finished. Interesting.

Oh and guess what??? My name is going to be in the byline of an article published in the new issue that came out to today! YAYYYY. But my name will be in Chinese (huang2 ming2 yi2). And the article is in Chinese. I expanded the English version and then they translated it into Chinese. How it happened is actually a very exciting story.

On Tuesday I was planning to go to work in the afternoon just to meet everyone, because that was when everyone would come back from the New Year's day trip. But my boss (who is a very cool and chill guy who studied journalism grad school at Cal) calls me at noon and says, "We have some work for you, Katina." Cooool, I think. He asks if I can expand this article about the new Harvard president, Caroline "Drew" Faust, who is the first woman to be appointed to that position. The article is about 2.5 pages single spaced, but I needed to make it about twice as long (2500-2600 words). I ask when he needs it done by, and he says, "As soon as you can ... maybe 5 or 6 tonight?"

I had promised Aiyi that I would go to her company dinner with her co-workers, so I was supposed to leave at 4:30pm. I told my boss that I had to go to a dinner, and he said that was fine, just finish as much as I can. I decided to work at home, since that would save travel time, and I had a really strong wireless signal so I'd be able to research.

Except (horror of horrors!) after 10 minutes the signal went away completely. So I called Aiyi and told her maybe I could go to dinner, or I'd come late. And also, was there an internet bar nearby?

She told me just to come to her office and work, since they have internet. I thought that was a good idea because then I could go with her to dinner directly and save time. It's really good to have connections, because she is this bank executive, and she set me up in her office on the 20th floor. She ordered this girl to give me anything I needed. Wow.

But yeah, I tried to finish as fast as I could, but I could only get up to a little over 2000 words. Also, we were already half an hour late to dinner and Aiyi couldn't leave the bank without me so I had to email what I had. So yeah, I wasn't very satisfied with the result, but I guess all you can do is do your best.

People are so kind to me here. Aiyi, especially, because she shows me how to do everything. Her niece took me grocery shopping. Aiyi's co-workers came to speak to me during dinner and at the karaoke bar, even though I only have kindergarten level Chinese. My co-worker also helped me open a bank account. (By the way, I LOVE my co-workers!! They are pretty young, in 20s or early 30s, and all speak English well. I got to eat lunch with some of them yesterday.)

I think it's good that I experience being in this helpless state and learn to ask and receive help. It's a lesson in humility. For me, I'd much much rather give help than receive it. It feels good to be a C in Berkeley as an ISM leader, giving help to international students who don't know how the school system work, giving essay editing tips, taking people to good restuarants.

But how do I be a C, in a "lower" position? It took me a bit of effort to ask my co-worker, "Can you help me open a bank account?" First of all, I want to be self-sufficient. Secondly, I don't want to cause trouble for him. And it's hard for this prideful girl to become a baby, almost.

But it makes me think about J, who did not consider himself equal with the Father - and he did become a baby. It's amazing, if you put yourself in that position - choosing to become helpless when you have all the power in the universe.

Please continue to lift me up in your thoughts, that I will learn to have that heart of humility and compassion.

Also, I am going to HK tomorrow. I will get to meet new friends and see old ones, Janette and Matt and Andyy!! YAY =)

Wow, I had to navigate blogger by guessing what the Chinese characters meant. So amazing. Anyway, here is a quick summary of what's happened so far.

1.) Planeride

super smooth (hen shunli!)
was excited and scared, missing friends, but Dad kept telling me not to be afraid - that he will never leave us or forsake us!

also thought about traveling makes me
wet and dry in the wrong places
static, crackly hair
scaly hands
shiny face
and
wet armpits
=P

got to write some letters as well
- if you want post cards, send me your addy!

2.) Arrival
Customs was quick
no one stole my luggage =)
driver with my name with placard picked me up right away.

3.) Apt
The woman I'm staying with - I call her Aiyi (auntie) is very kind and extremely clean so I think I'll have to learn to be clean too. She showed me in detail how to take the bus to work (all in Chinese!) It's interesting how something simple as taking the bus is an adventure here! And it is amazing how much Aiyi can convey and how much I can understand by necessity. She also bought me these cool tiny carmelized apple shish kabobs. They're not really apples -they are actually called "red fruit", but that's the best way I can describe them.

4.) This morning
So I met Aiyi's niece this morning, who is staying for at the apt until she gets on her feet. She's 19. She can understand a bit of English, but I need to speak to her mostly in Chinese. I hope to get to know her more. She was really kind in making sure I got on the bus safely. Chinese hospitality =)

I arrived at workat around 10, but only stayed half an hour because basically there wasn't anything for me to do, and all I did was talk to the editor about duties and asked him some questions. I'm really excited to work there though, and meet everyone tomorrow.

After, I wandered around the streets, went to this amazing supermarket, admired the yummy yummy cheap food, and found this internet cafe!

I will post pics of food once I get internet at home.

For now, time to eat!

3:38 am, wide eyed and excited

Well, tomorrow is the big day and I'm NOT sleepy at all =) That is good because I hope to sleep on the plane and beat jet-lag!

Lovely friends, I will post more adventures as they come.

And pictures too, for you non-wordy visual people.

More later - over and OUT.